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Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

 
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A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
 
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Never let any Disease or Medical Procedure scare you. That's what the Bill is for.

 
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If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
 
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Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
 
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I never know whether to screw up my taxes myself, or hire a professional to do it.
 
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Facebook buys Instagram for $1 billion. Idiots, they could have downloaded it for free
 
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Every time I take up exercising I meet new people. They're usually paramedics, but still, new people
 
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My relationship with my ex wife was very psychological..... she's psycho and I'm logical
 
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'Cruise ship recreates legendary Titanic journey'. Didn't the Costa Concordia already do that earlier this year?